the last poem i will ever write for you

lipstick smeared

city skylines

faded tans

this is the way the world ends

burning bushes

thatched roofs

white moonlight

this is the way the world ends

not with a bang

with a whimper

maybe in a new world

the sight of your name wouldn't make me vomit

you wouldn't leave an impression

your hands wouldn't fit in mine

broken glass

bleached hair

calloused hands

this is the way the world ends

your hands in my hair

on my waist

you are the way the world ends

we are the way the world ends

once my director gave the best advice

telling his cast “hard things should be hard to say”

it was always an acting tip

when you’re delivering an emotional line

you need to be emotional

somewhere along the line it became a life tip

that it’s okay for your voice to catch

when you’re saying something hard

or for it to shake

because you’re fighting through tears

and you don’t know if you can get through

he blurred the line between acting and life

and it became apparent

why both were equally important 

I know.

Two years ago I did a thing: I got pissed and I started a blog. And over the past two years I've gotten pissed more times than I can count, but never again did I feel the need to start an entire blog to complain about it.

I started this blog when I was thirteen. Stupid. Naive. Scared. In three weeks I'll be sixteen. Still more than a little bit stupid. Not so naive. Terrified.

Eleven days ago I hugged my oldest and best friend outside of an airport. I sat at the terminals of my new friends until, one by one, they all left and I was alone at my own. Those are things I don't think I would have been able to do two years ago. I'm so much stronger now that I could have ever imagined myself to be at thirteen.

In the last year I stage managed two shows, I met my best friends, I made it through my first (real) year of high school. I cut off all of my hair. I did things I never thought I would ever do, not as a scared freshman, not ever. I have better friends than I could ever ask for, people who live near me and people who live entire states away. In sixteen days I'm going to Greece.

I will never be the person I was two years ago. I don't want to be the person I was two years ago, because now I am a better version of myself. Not the best version of myself. But I'm getting there.

Things I Want to Say But (probably) Never Will

To the theatre:
I was looking through my sister's old yearbook today. 2008. It was the last year before Adam started teaching. I looked at a lot of things, but I gravitated towards the Theatre Society and Improv and Debate pages. And there were these people I had heard stories about but had never met, names that were familiar from when my sister was my age. And I realized that it was stories of these people and the people who came the year after them that made me want to do theatre. They all looked so happy, their smiles and enthusiasm and excitement forever preserved on glossy, 11" x 8.5" paper. I looked at all of their smiling faces and all I could think was, "When did theatre stop being FUN?" When did this small, tight-knit group of people become so big and hateful and judgmental. Why do I not get to experience the theatre as a friendly, happy place to spend my time. What changed.

To a teacher:
I know that you have your shining star, your stage manager, and that you and her have your routine. I also know that I will never live up to her, but I need you to give me the chance to be great. Give me the same credit that you give her and know that I won't let you down. Know that I am as reliable and good as she is and even though I will never be her, that doesn't mean I am inadequate.

To a boy:
You're kind of a douche bag, but you know that. I kind of hate you sometimes, but you know that too. What you don't know is that you're better than you think you are. Because I know that, under that confident, douchey bravado, sometimes you're insecure. But I know that you are talented and intelligent and decent. And I'd kind of like to kiss your face.

To my favorite senior:
I don't know if I could have made it through the final weeks of Peter Pan without you there to listen to my rants and always take my side whether or not you knew the whole story. I became friends with you faster than I had become friends with anyone before and I can honestly say that you are one of my favorite people. I think I'm going to miss you desperately when you graduate in less than a month. I honestly believe that you will do great things, even if you don't believe it yourself. I love you a whole lot.

To the juniors:
Part of me doesn't want to do Tarzan next year because I know that doing that show means saying goodbye and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet. In fact, I'm sure I'm not ready for that. You are the ones who have kept me sane and have given me a reason to go into the theatre. You've been there to hug me without question when I'm crying and you've taught me so much about life and myself and theatre in general. I don't know where I would be without all of you and I don't want to know. I love you all so much. You'll be great.

To a friend:
Thank you and I'm sorry.

UGH DESI'S WRITING AGAIN ISN'T SHE

I yearn for another time
With my hair a shade lighter,
Uncontrolled, spilling over my shoulders
My skin a shade darker,
Tan lines that all but glow in the light of the moon
Feet perpetually caked in dirt
My life stained with the scent of chlorine

I wish for long nights
In sweatshirts and short shorts
Spent with the people I love most in the world
The smell of sunscreen and bug spray
That always seem to fail,
No matter how hard they try

I long for a girl
Who's a lot like me
But happier
Kinder
More carefree
And much, much less afraid

I want for summer
Late night conversations
Silly decisions,
Easily undone by the morning
Best friends
Doing what I love
Simply because I love it

2012 Playlist

I don't want to do a 2012 wrap up thing because frankly 2012 blows so here's the playlist that's getting me to the end of the year in no particular order

Holding On- Alex Day

Don't Look Back- Alex Day

(The entirety of Alex Day's Parrot Stories, basically)

This Is Me- Charlie McDonnell

Holiday Club- Jim and the Povolos

Asleep- The Smiths

Holland, 1945- Neutral Milk Hotel

I Must Belong Somewhere- Bright Eyes

Love Love Love- The Mountain Goats

Stay (I Missed You)- New Found Glory

The First Day of My Life- Bright Eyes

The Gambler- Fun

To Have a Home- Starkid (Darren Criss)

Jealousy- Darren Criss

Human- Darren Criss

I'm going to end up writing a 2012 wrap up post aren't I.

Whateves

xx D

I like you.
At this point, I'm not sure what else to say
Or how I can say it
But
I like you
I could write about it in perfect iambic pentameter
Or in a sonnet
Or a song
I could do all of those things
But
It would all come back to those three words
I like you
Because you call me out when I'm being particularly stupid
And you're smart
Not like genius smart
But you can hold your own in a conversation
And last year
When you read my essay in English class
You were particularly, genuinely impressed
In a way no one has ever been in my writing
All of these things and more
But it all comes back to
I like you

I'm Scared

I'm scared.
I'm absolutely terrified.
And I'm terrified of being terrified.

I write a lot. I'm rarely not writing. But for whatever reason, I can count the amount of people I've personally shared my writing with on one hand. Because writing is personal, and if someone judges the things I write they're judging me, but a more vulnerable me. And to me, vulnerability is weakness. As much as I know that that isn't true, it still seems to be in my mind. It's part of being scared. I don't want people to know me, because I'm afraid that if they do they won't want to. And that's the most terrifying thing of all time.

I hide a lot of myself from other people because, even though I wouldn't like to admit it, I'm afraid of how they'll feel about me. I'm antisocial because I can't stand the idea of spending time around people who don't like me, or people who are constantly judging me. I actively realize how stupid this is, but the fact that I can't change it is scary too. I'm afraid of myself.

I rarely share my feelings with other people. I'm afraid to fall in love because I'm afraid of commitment and I'm afraid of trust and I'm afraid. I'm afraid to admit my feelings because, again, I'm afraid of showing any weakness that accompanies it. I'm afraid of getting too close because I feel like if I do it's going to end with me getting hurt. So I constantly push away and I suppress my feelings and I hide until they go away.

I think this can all be chalked up to the fact that my biggest fear is failure. I'm afraid of failing classes, I'm afraid of failing auditions, I'm afraid of failing expectations. I'm afraid of setting goals for myself because I know that if I don't reach them I will hate myself. And so I'm afraid of what I'll do to myself. I'm scared of my own potential. I'm so scared of what I can do, and what I know I might do.

But of course I wouldn't share this with anyone because I'm too terrified.
And I'm so terrified of being terrified

DAY I'M A FAILURE

I cut all of my hair off today. Like, all of it. It's really short. My hair hasn't ever been this short before. I don't know what to do. I like it a lot.

Also tonight was sophomore orientation. It sucked. They sat us in a bunch of different places and then talked about things that we probably should have already known and then glared when I talked. And glared harder when I tried to connect to the school's wifi on my phone. And then glared hardest when I was laughing even though I was laughing quietly! High school will be fun, won't it? The people there already like me. Or something.

I don't know what this is. I think I give up on blogging everyday.

DAY TWENTY

It's just another day here in super-boring-blog land. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Just look at the little kittens cuddling. They are adorable, aren't they? I wish I had more to say but I really have done nothing productive today and have no things of relevance to talk about and no lists that need to be made. So kittens. At least they're very cute kittens.

Until tomorrow
xx D

DAY NINETEEN

Tomorrow lots of people start school. A week from tomorrow I start school. This is so weird. I don't know what to do because school. I've spent the last three months doing absolutely nothing except for using my computer and procrastinating. And now like I have to exert myself and actually TRY. On the bright side- Phoenix's festival is in 8 weeks. Tournament is in like 21 weeks. And I'm ready to get out of here. Three years until I graduate. Three.

And now angsty wanderlust girl is gone and I don't know what's going on anymore. It's only like eleven though, and I'm just exhausted. I can't say anything coherent at all, else I risk seeming like I'm high on some hallucinogenic drug. I'm not, if you were legitimately wondering. Just scattered. Just confused.

In a week and nine hours I'll be starting in the place where I will spend the next three years of my life. Maybe I'll enjoy it, maybe I'll suffer through it, but as long as I'm surrounded by good people I think I'll be okay. And the people I know are good, to an extent.

I don't know. I guess we'll see. A week and eight and a half hours.

Until tomorrow
xx D

DAY SOMETHING I DON'T REMEMBER

I'm lazy and sometimes that means that I'll be in bed at like eleven or so and my computer won't be in my room and therefore I do not blog because I can't be bothered to go get my computer and blogging from my phone is the biggest pain in the butt ever. Two days now that's happened. Except yesterday it was because I can't keep track of time and then suddenly it was like one and I wanted to sleep.

I start high school in just over a week. It's really really weird because, like, I've been into this high school so many times because my sisters went there but I don't really know it and now I have to spend the better part of three years of my life there and it's weird. I just don't want to do it. But whatever.

I could say more but I'm not going to.

Until tomorrow or something
xx D

DAY FIFTEEN

I got A's in my online classes. As far as I know, I guess. That was a nice surprise considering the amount of effort I actually put into them. (It wasn't a lot) Also I guess in the middle of one of my health finals I started to answer an essay question, got halfway through, stopped in the middle of a sentence and then didn't finish it. I have no recollection of doing this.

I slept for like, four hours this afternoon. I couldn't even tell you why, I just did. And now I have to wake up super early tomorrow to get my schedule hopefully changed and I'm not the least bit tired but when I woke up I was absolutely convinced it was Thursday. Still Wednesday. It's summer, I never know what day it is. Also, I try to add a k to the beginning of never.

You know what is the stupidest thing? Typing tests. I would say that I'm a decent typist for a fifteen year old girl who's never taken a legitimate computer class, but for my online computer tech class they made me do like a hundred different typing assignments. And I'm never good at typing things unless they're like sentences that come out of my head rather than random words that may or may not exist. I also make a lot of just mistakes, not like hitting the wrong keys but mostly just thinking that the combinations of letters in words are different than they are. Like I almost always accidentally add an e to the end of words. I don't know why, it just happens.

There was a point to this when I started but then I got super distracted and now I don't remember what's going on but I should probably go to sleep because of reasons you know once I start writing run on sentences it's a sign.

Until tomorrow
xx D

DAY FOURTEEN- High School.

So I didn't write a post yesterday because, honestly, I just couldn't be bothered. But right now, this isn't about that. This is about high school.

There's something really surreal about the fact that in just a week and a half I'll be back in school, navigating the big, scary halls of a big, scary new high school. This summer has seemed to last forever, and the fact that it's ending seems weird because although I didn't do a lot, a lot of capital-s Stuff happened, and really I feel like this person starting the tenth grade is completely different than the one who left the ninth last spring. I'm not entirely sure what it was, but it was standing in that airport after my final flight home from camp, exhausted and sunburned and covered in dirt that I felt it. There aren't many moments that you can point to and say, "That's when everything changed," but I happen to know that that is one of those moments, although I'm not sure I'll ever know why.

Something happened to me that week in June in the mountains of Albuquerque, surrounded my one of my oldest friends and some of the best people I'll know. It's that same something that's continued to work its way inside me and do something to change me. It may be imperceptible to the people who know me well, this change, but I can feel it and I can see it in the things that I do and the things that I write and the choices that I make.

I'm not a totally different person. I don't have that idea that I'll go into a new school and I'll be a whole new person, who cares about everyone I knew before. I just know that I'm going to start high school without braces, with a new haircut and the capital-s Stuff that happened and the feeling that somehow everything has changed, even if it hasn't at all.

Until tomorrow
xx D

What is this life- DAY TWELVE

There were about four or five days where I worked really hard on my classes but now they're over and I'm back to the routine I was in where I watch Supernatural and am on tumblr and I play Temple Run. I don't even like Temple Run but it's just mindless enough for me to play it while watching Supernatural and still know what's going on in the show. Soon though, I'll be going back to school.

On that note, I go get my schedule in the morning tomorrow. I'm not exactly sure what classes I'm taking though. Like, I know all of the basics like I'm taking AP World and Physics and stuff but I really don't know what electives I'm taking? Because I know which ones I signed up for but I also know that there are some that interfere with each other. But I'll know in like less than twelve hours.

Also tonight something happened and I'm still not ENTIRELY sure what but I guess Klaine broke up and now the Glee fandom is in this like state of panic and I'm not sure what to do but I am just gonna stay away for a while until everyone gets less crazy. Not that they're ever less crazy like they're still crazy but this one particular thing is really really hard to handle because everyone can't handle the feels omg like totes.

So that's been my day. Supernatural. Tumblr freaking out. Nothing else. I'm an exciting human being.

Until tomorrow
xx D

DAY ELEVEN- Just ignore me, honestly

Okay well. AVPSY premiered at LeakyCon today. I was not at LeakyCon today. I'm actually quite butthurt about not being at LeakyCon. Everyone is meeting the people that are my biggest inspirations in life and that have, you know, changed my life completely and I'm not instead I'm sitting at home and I just watched Footloose but still. LeakyCon. Crying.

I seriously can't even talk about it I'm too sad. It's legitimately physically painful for me to think about it. I wish that I could be one of those people that is just happy for everyone who got to go but I'm not. I'm taking this as the universe's personal attack on it for doing something terrible once. I was okay with it during VidCon. I'm not okay with it now.

I actually just stopped blogging. I don't remember why, I think I just got distracted. But I have about four minutes until my battery starts to yell at me and say that I have to stop using it or it'll die, so gonna rap this up because it actually just yelled at me so now I have probably two minutes until it dies. So bad post. I don't know what you expect at this point

Until tomorrow
xx D

DAY TEN

I just finished my last assignment of my online classes and I'm so physically and mentally exhausted that I can no longer form coherent sentences. It got to a point where I thought I needed a works cited page for a letter I had to write. That's where I am right now. It's midnight. I just logged onto tumblr for the first time in days. It feels nice. I'll do something less dumb tomorrow, count on it.

Until tomorrow
xx D

DAY NINE

NO TIME FOR BLOGGING

Two AM: DAY EIGHT

There's something really beautiful about two A.M.
When everything is still and quiet and I can be truly alone, reading without regret.
Two A.M. is silent if you want it to be, tranquil, alone with a good book.
Two A.M is loud if you want it to be, silly, in a warm place with good friends.
Everything is more honest at two A.M. When it's dark and it's beautiful and everyone is likely to forget when they wake up in the morning.
Nothing is seems to be real at two A.M. The books, the music, the movies, the company. It's all there, until all of the sudden it's not. Until sleep gets in the way. And then in the morning, nothing is the same.
There's something about two A.M that seems inherently romantic. Safe. Like no one can touch you in your little corner of the world unless you invite them.
Nothing matters at this time at night. Everything matters at this time at night. You're allowed to worry or to be carefree. No one can judge you when it's two A.M. No one can touch you.
There's something really beautiful about two A.M.

I really hate online classes: DAY SEVEN

This is a list of things I would rather do than doing the work I should do

• Tumblr
• Supernatural
• Read
• Blog
• Catch the fly that's been in my house
• Sleep
• Facebook
• Make a queue for my tumblr
• ((I'm morally opposed to queues))
• ((Well, maybe not morally))
• Go back in time and convince myself that I don't want to take classes online
• Time travel actually that would be fun
• Absolutely
• Anything
• I 
• Really
• Hate
• These
• Classes

So I guess that's a thing I did
Until tomorrow
xx D