Friday, November 16, 2012

I'm Scared

I'm scared.
I'm absolutely terrified.
And I'm terrified of being terrified.

I write a lot. I'm rarely not writing. But for whatever reason, I can count the amount of people I've personally shared my writing with on one hand. Because writing is personal, and if someone judges the things I write they're judging me, but a more vulnerable me. And to me, vulnerability is weakness. As much as I know that that isn't true, it still seems to be in my mind. It's part of being scared. I don't want people to know me, because I'm afraid that if they do they won't want to. And that's the most terrifying thing of all time.

I hide a lot of myself from other people because, even though I wouldn't like to admit it, I'm afraid of how they'll feel about me. I'm antisocial because I can't stand the idea of spending time around people who don't like me, or people who are constantly judging me. I actively realize how stupid this is, but the fact that I can't change it is scary too. I'm afraid of myself.

I rarely share my feelings with other people. I'm afraid to fall in love because I'm afraid of commitment and I'm afraid of trust and I'm afraid. I'm afraid to admit my feelings because, again, I'm afraid of showing any weakness that accompanies it. I'm afraid of getting too close because I feel like if I do it's going to end with me getting hurt. So I constantly push away and I suppress my feelings and I hide until they go away.

I think this can all be chalked up to the fact that my biggest fear is failure. I'm afraid of failing classes, I'm afraid of failing auditions, I'm afraid of failing expectations. I'm afraid of setting goals for myself because I know that if I don't reach them I will hate myself. And so I'm afraid of what I'll do to myself. I'm scared of my own potential. I'm so scared of what I can do, and what I know I might do.

But of course I wouldn't share this with anyone because I'm too terrified.
And I'm so terrified of being terrified

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