Friday, April 27, 2012

BEDA 27: It's gettin' real up in here

Today was awesome because I had a really nice Journalism class. We overturned the couch that we have in the classroom and built this kind of fort thing and then we went on an adventure that involved pretending to to parkour and getting doughnuts from the choir class and it was good. It was the first time in a while that I've really enjoyed just things. Plus also, I got a 91 on that Biology test I thought I was going to bomb and that felt excellent.

So that was pretty much my day today. Plus Tumblr. Always tumblr. I really don't have anything to talk about today. I'm just watching YouTube videos. I'm still trying for that VidCon thing. Did I mention that? I downloaded a bunch of photo editing software that was free because I have few moneys but I'm trying hard to make this stupid design work.

I don't know, I've been thinking a lot. Not about anything in particular, really, just about a wide spectrum of things. And I've realised that all of those things that I really dislike about myself are coming to the surface. Like, I'm rude and can be bossy and I have a temper. I say the stupidest things and I don't know how to take them back and I can't take complements and I can't give complements. I make stupid mistakes and sometimes I think that I'm smarter than other people. I spend a lot of time overthinking everything and it generally screws everything up. I'm arrogant. I'm whiny. I'm sarcastic. I don't know why the people who I'm friends with have stuck around this long. I don't have enough good traits to overpower these stupid ones. But I want so badly to be the person that people who don't know me very well think that I am. And in some capacity, I know that I am that girl, but I don't know how to leave these stupid traits behind and move on. I constantly want to be nicer and quieter and better, but I know that that's not who I am. And I don't hate who I am, I think I just  dislike the person who I'm becoming. And I hate that. I want the things I do to mean something. I want my writing to mean something. I don't know.

So that went from lighthearted to self-deprecating pretty quickly, right?

Until tomorrow
xx D

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